Those wanting to get married.

Father Henry was planning a wedding at the close of the morning service. After the benediction Father Henry had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation. For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.

'Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?' Father Henry requested.

Immediately; nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

Slow Learner

After her husband forgot their wedding anniversary, his wife tells him: 'You'd better have something for me in front of the house, tomorrow, which goes from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds.'

The next day, she found, in front of the house in the driveway, as requested, a bathroom scale.

Good Hunting?

Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his 'phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, 'My friend is dead! What can I do?'
The operator says, 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.'
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, 'OK, now what?'